Bad Advice

Adventure Squad

Dear Readers:

This morning I took my camera to work. My plan was to steal a minute to myself and go upstairs to photograph the ancient wall safe. I collected a partner in crime along the way and, once we were on the second floor, we collected a third. The next thing I knew, building security had unlocked a door to a stairway that leads nowhere so that I could entertain my whim. Who knew that an Adventure Squad could be formed so easily.

My only regret: packing the wrong lens. (How was I to know I would wind up in the staircase closet?)

Yours in adventure,
-Bad

PS The staircase closet had been recently gutted (and abated) in preparation for the remodel. It was rather frightening to see the state of the subfloor beneath and, so, climbing the stairs seemed rather risky. I did it anyway because I had to see what, exactly, lay in wait at the top...

Two Words

Leftover. Candy.

Secret Sunday

Dear Readers:

In the old days, time changes were always difficult things as I'd have to wander about the house manually adjusting time on what seemed like 30 different devices. Nowadays, the only way I have to know if the time change has happened is if the clock on the wall doesn't match the clock on my cell phone or laptop. My watch is probably also wrong but, because I never wear it, it probably doesn't matter much. And, those of you (imaginary) readers who know me well will know that it is unlikely that I would notice a difference between the clock on the wall and the clock in my lap unless prompted by a third party. (Thank you news broadcaster!)

Today's secret: I once walked into a restaurant that was closed to the public and expected to be seated.*

I am,
-Bad

*Never do this. You will not be appreciated.

To be fair, there was no signage in place indicating the restaurant was closed. It was a small local eatery that was filled with people and food (and a little dog!) and they were celebrating a family reunion. (And, yes, the dog being there deterred me from ever returning. That and shame for walking in on a private party.)

Spooky Halloween!

Dear Readers:

Earlier today, I trapped a rabbit. I like to think this is the animal that has been trying to move in beneath my front porch but I can't be certain as he wouldn't show proper ID. I named him Spooky, drove him to a beautiful forest near a river and set him free.

Then I did a last minute shopping trip for candy and hurried home to do all I can to promote tooth decay for the neighborhood trick-or-treaters.*

As ever,
-Bad

*To be fair, I did consider giving something healthy, but I want to keep dentists off golf courses to the extent that I can.

Part the First

Dear Readers:

I have an overactive imagination. This much, I know.

I have a recurring hole (sometimes more than one) leading to some very interesting place (a supper club? casino? resort? I hardly know) beneath my porch.

Surely the aforementioned hole is not large enough to accommodate anything larger than a bunny rabbit. But still. It recurs. One would think that an animal would tire of digging the same hole day after day. One would think that an animal would tire of digging the same hole day after day. One would hope that an -- see what I mean? Redundant, no?

Always,
-Bad

Scary Story

Dear Readers:

I have been invited to a Halloween party. The theme: Come as something you are not.

In an attempt to be the most unrecognizable guest, I have amassed with the following costume ideas:

1. Tall
2. The Kool-Aid Man
3. Ninja
4. Invisible

Of all the shoes I own, none are platform. Therefore, costume #1 is out.

Oh, that I could construct a Kool-Aid Man costume by the end of the week. Ix-nay on the ool-Kay. (Sorry K-Man!!)

Now, numbers 3 and 4 are ideas I can get behind. You know, if absenteeism is allowed. (It's allowed, right? Right??) Ninja! Master of disguise; very hard to spot! Invisible! Well, invisible! Absent! Just like invisible, but much, much easier to accomplish.

Not that I suggest skipping masquerade parties. Heavens no. I would never do that.

[insert shrug]

Or would I?

Always,
-Bad

The Pickle Jar Letter

Dear Readers:

The real *: Every now and again, you (imaginary) readers need to be reminded just how awesome and incredible you really are. You know - for being (imaginary) and all.

Some years ago, my mother wrote me a letter on the back of the label from a can of evaporated milk. I should back up here and tell you that although my mother is known for reusing, recycling and re-purposing items, she is not particularly green. She does the things she does according to some inner reasoning. Some food waste is compost, some is garbage. There is probably some very obscure method to her madness, but I just try to accept it as it is. So, when I received The Milk Can Letter, I tucked it away. 

I recently came across this letter. I re-read it. Re-tucked it. Ate lunch. Realized that the pickle jar was *just* hanging onto its label. Had an idea.

Tonight I (finally) wrote a reply. I reminded my mother of her letter from a few years ago. I told her about my day, about the weather, about classes. Then I ate a can of soup because I needed more room to tell her about The Monster That I *Still* Hadn't Caught and that I missed her and that it would be neat if she wrote more often because -- well, it just would. Then I sealed The Pickle Jar Letter in an envelope, stamped and addressed it and put it with my things for tomorrow morning. So ends Monday and begins Tuesday. 

Sometimes (albeit rarely) sweet,
-Bad

PS It seems I should challenge you, my (imaginary) readers, to write Pickle Jar Letters of your own. What do you think?

A Little Pick-Me-Up

Dear Readers:

Sometimes, you just need to hear it or, in this case, read it.*

Always,
-Bad

*Check back later for the real * to this post.

Secret Sunday

Dear Readers:

Against my better judgment, I mulched the leaves on my lawn today. (I know.) The lawn is definitely prettier but now I need to chisel the muck off my shoes -- and the lawn mower's wheels.

Good thing I have an abundance of shoes. And lawn mower wheels.*

Today's secret: I once lied to my (imaginary) audience about having an abundant supply of wheels.**

Always,
-Bad

*Just kidding about the lawn mower wheels.

**What kind of person would do such a thing? One wonders.

*sigh*

Dear Readers:

If today you:

1. dropped your bag in a puddle on your way into the office
2. unpacked your things in the office only to realize your cell phone is missing
3. retraced your steps - worried that this could be your third water damaged phone
4. searched your car
5. drove home without your license because it seemed too far to walk back inside to retrieve it
6. happily found your phone on the dining table
7. drove back to work only to begin with a puzzle that needed unraveling
8. spent hours solving said puzzle
9. tried to post a quick note about how interesting the day had been
10. emailed your boss your new discovery
11. realized seconds after hitting send that what you had written was completely backwards
12. wrote another email to your boss entitled I. Am. Retarded.
13. and shut down your computer exactly three seconds before the last phone call of the day came in

I would have to say that yours and mine were pretty comparable. Then again, one would hope that (imaginary) readers like yourselves have the power to change things just by imagining them differently.

Now. Dinner. Finally.

Always,
-Bad